Wedding Crashers
by Dirty Reid
Summary: The wedding of Edward and Bella is not going to plan. Why, you ask? These psychos keep crashing it and trying to kill them, that's why! Twihards, run far, far away! Multiple crossovers. Updates will be sporadic.
1. The Scooby Gang

**Wedding Crashers**

**A Twilight-Bashing Parody by Dirty Reid**

**A.N: Fans of my work, gather round! Twi-hards, run far, far away! For here lies every bit of pent-up hatred I can muster towards everything that sparkles in sunlight, sucks blood (when they should be sucking jizz) and requires the equivalent of a C-4 enema to be killed! That's right, I. FUCKING. HATE. TWILIGHT!**

… **So I decided to mock it through multiple, humourous chapters depicting alternate takes on Bella Schlong (LOL!) and EdWAD Cullen's wedding. Unless you hate Twilight as well, and have told me, don't bother correcting me on some small detail, because I really don't feel like listening to the indignant ramblings of a 12-16- year-old girl or possibly her cougarific mother.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of the other characters I use. If I did own Twilight, the vampires would admit that they're all butt pirates.**

**Chapter 1: The Scooby Gang**

* * *

Bella fought the urge to cry. The day had finally come where she and the love of her life were joined in holy matrimony. Her battle with crying abruptly ended as a tear fell to her cheek.

"No time for crying, Bella," Alice chided softly, "it's time."

Bella couldn't help herself, and let a few more tears fall. "Thank you Alice," she said weakly through her frail state, "you really outdid yourself this time." Alice smiled a little bit and looked away.

"Ah, it was nothing. Anything for you, sweetie." She replied softly as she looked at the vivid cacophony of colourful flora she had set up. A cacophony that oddly enough didn't seem excessive. Perhaps it was offset by the large amount of cloud cover.

Moments later, the pre-Wedding March music began to play. The flower girls, ring-bearers and bridesmaids prepared themselves and began their march down the aisle. Charlie Swan, Bella's father, approached her and appeared to be crying as well.

"I'm so proud of you," he choked out as he wrapped her in a hug. Bella gladly returned it. "My little girl is getting married." Bella pulled away and pouted.

"I'm not little!" she protested childishly. Charlie laughed.

"I know. I was only teasing you." The Wedding March began to play "Come on." He offered her his arm and Bella gladly accepted it.

They began their walk in time with the music. The small audience rose in their presence, some making noises of admiration as they gazed upon Bella's white dress, contrasting brilliantly with her father's crisp, grey tuxedo. Up on the altar, Edward, in his darker-than-night suit, offered a rare smile, made somewhat creepy by his glowing, pale brown sclera.

Bella smiled back, unaware that it would be one of the last times she would do so.

Mr. Weber, the father of Bella's friend Angela, opened his Bible and began to read. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today…"

* * *

"And do you, Isabella Swan, take Edward Cullen to be your lawfully wedded husband?" Mr. Weber asked, smiling at Bella, who had yet again failed to hold back tears.

"… I do," she gulped, prompting another rare smile from Edward. The guests made annoying 'awww' sounds. Further back, Jackoff… I mean, Jacob Black continued to stew in his rage, which had been boiling upwards since the wedding began. Unbeknownst to him, seven guests were getting ready to act.

In the middle of the eighth row, a young woman in a wide-brimmed hat looked over to a middle-aged man wearing a set of red John Lennon-esque glasses and adjusted a lock of her blonde hair. The man gave a slight nod and from his seat on the opposite half of the row, he drummed his fingers once on his seat. Two guests- a taller brown-haired man in a crisp tuxedo, the other a slick blonde in a white suit- sitting right beside him pulled out handkerchiefs and dabbed at their eyes. Behind them, a young man sitting very close to Jacob with jet black hair reached into the back of his tailed tux and adjusted something. Parallel to him on the opposite end of the church, a young woman in a full length dress and a black veil clutched a small cloth bag. Beside her, a man with reddish blonde hair reached into his suit jacket to grip something.

"If anyone has any objections to the uniting of these two wonderful people, speak now, or forever hold your peace." Mr. Weber finished the reading and gazed out over the procession. Silence. He smiled.

"I now pronounce-"

"GRAAAAGH!" an inhuman roar rose through the church, sending a swath of fear radiating through the euphoric atmosphere. Bella whipped her head to the side and bore witness to an enraged Jacob clambering out of his seat and preparing to dart up the aisle. All of the vampires and humans in the church were so fixated on the berserking werewolf that no one took notice of the young man in the tailed tux pulling something out of his jacket: All of them watched as Jacob crouched and began to rise into the air, his eyes flashing as he began to change into his bestial form.

Shick-click! BLAM!

The explosion rang through the church and made everyone scream. Jacob roared in pain as something small, hard and fast tore into his side. Blood spurted everywhere as the werewolf was thrown to the side by the force of impact. Jacob hit the ground and started to gurgle blood. To the horror of everyone present, his crimson life-blood turned black as if by some magic. Jacob twitched once and quickly died. Shick-click! Everyone shifted their eyes to the sound of the noise.

The young man in the tailed tux hefted a black, sawed-off shotgun and inhaled deeply.

"Ahh, Xander Harris _loves_ the smell of silver bullets at a wedding." Xander leveled his shotgun and fired again. Alice's face exploded in blood, the single hole identifying the round as a slug.

"YOU BASTARD!" Carlisle Cullen shrieked, leaping into the air with the intent of ripping Xander's liver out and showing it to him. _Spwew_! Carlisle grunted as something long and dark lodged in his side, knocking him off course. He landed on his foot the wrong way and began to pant. It was an arrow that was lodged in his side. Just as he was about to pull it out, he screamed in agony as he disintegrated into dust.

The slick blonde in the white tux lowered his crossbow. The entire procession had been thrown into chaos and was running around like a bunch of civilians in the middle of a superhero/supervillain fight.

"Destroy the heretics," the blonde monotoned, bearing a faint British accent.

"The heretics," his brown haired friend echoed. Those words in that monotone made what little colour there was in Edward's face leave it.

"Oh, damn," he muttered. Bella looked over at him.

"What?" she asked as she began to exit the church. "Do you know those people?"

"They're the Originals." Edward said shortly, picking up the pace as he heard Emmett roar in pain. "Vampires who abide by the Laws of Sanguinos, The Forefather." He said as he suppressed a shudder.

"Sanguinos the Forefather?" Bella repeated, completely lost.

"He was the first vampire known to exist. A set of laws was passed from God to Sanguinos, and he and his progeny were expected to abide by them." Edward pushed his pale bride off of the altar and back through the 'holy men only' section of the church. "Somewhere down the line, a group of vampires got tired of just the enhanced senses and only being able to go out at night, so a couple hundred years back, a few of my great grandsires dabbled with something called the 'Covenant's Codex'- a collection of grimoires that keeps the powers of every supernatural in check- and changed some of the inhibition wards on themselves. They ended up with powers individual to themselves and got rid of some of the weaknesses normal vampires have. When the rest of the vampire world got wind of that, they declared that group and all those they sired heretics to our creed, to be hunted down and exterminated as long as we continued to propagate." Edward finished and sucked in a breath. They were almost out of the church. The back door and the car were just feet away…

"Infitalis Plaga!" **(Negative Zone) **called a woman's voice firmly. Edward gasped as if he had slammed into a brick wall. What had happened was a ward had gone up around him, Bella and whoever had uttered the incantation. As Edward shakily stood, two young women emerged from the stairwell to the choir loft. One wore a full length black dress and a veil-which did little to hide her roundish face and fiery red hair- and was carrying a large book. The second woman was an attractive blonde in a short black dress and a set of yoga pants with a large hat on her head. Instead of a book though, she carried a wooden stake. Only one person would be carrying around a stake at a gathering of vampires…

"Slayer," Edward breathed, actual fear creeping into his voice which was barely audible over the screaming and gunfire from the back in the church.

"That explanation was quite a mouthful. I guess you're used to that kind of thing." The Slayer quipped. Her redhead companion covered her mouth to stifle a giggle.

"This isn't really a good time for bad jokes, Buffy." Said a clearly British voice. Edward and Bella turned around to see the man in the John Lennon glasses holding a burlap bag with blood soaking the bottom of it. The circular object inside was clearly someone's head. Buffy, as she was called, looked at the man strangely.

"Giles, this is a _perfect _time for bad jokes!" she protested cutely. The redhead with the spellbook just laughed harder.

All of the chaos, death and blood made Bella's already fragile emotional state deteriorate further. "W-WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO US?" she cried as tears streamed down her face. Buffy spared her a brief glance as she ambled forward, descending upon Edward, still helpless without his powers.

"How's it feel being powerless Twinkle-Toes?" Buffy asked. Bella made a vain attempt to punch Buffy, but the far more experienced Slayer batted her fist away without batting an eye. She brought her arm back swiftly, pimp-slapping Bella with enough force to deck the bleeding bride. "We're just doing our job, sweetheart." Buffy said in reply.

And then Buffy staked Edward.

Bella cried profusely as her now former-husband-to-be disintegrated into dust. The Slayer and her friends stood there for a moment before they were joined by several more people, each covered in varying amounts of blood, cuts and bruises, and gunshot residue in a few cases.

"They're all dead." Said the darker man in the black tuxedo and the crossbow. His friend with blonde hair in the white suit tossed up and caught a finger that was still oozing blood.

"You sure?" asked the redheaded spellcaster. The man with the strawberry blonde hair nodded.

"Would we lie?" he asked.

"She kinda brings up a good point Oz," Xander Harris added as he stowed his shotgun. "These guys are _way _harder to kill than your average run-of-the-mill vamps."

"We wouldn't be here if they weren't dead." Oz added.

"Spike, are you really going to keep that finger?" asked the British man, Giles.

"Yeah, why? Angel's keeping an eye." Spike looked over at the dark man who presumably was Angel, just as he pulled a baggy out of his inner pocket; a baggy with a still fresh eye in it.

"Eww," said Buffy with a wince. For a moment, the only sound was Bella's sobs. Still, she was neglected.

"Y'know, despite feeling disgusting, I feel like I've done the world a great service." Buffy admitted aloud. Silence again.

"So… does that mean we still go and get drunk?" asked the redhead. Buffy smiled and slung her arm over her friend in camaraderie.

"Of course Will," she said with a smile. "First round's on me!" All of Buffy's friends cheered as they headed for the back exit of the church, Spike and Angel grabbing conveniently placed umbrellas to protect themselves from the dim light of the outdoors.

Bella remained on her knees by her dead lover's ashes, grief-stricken, confused and sobbing uncontrollably.

Vengeance was sweet.

* * *

**Voila! The first chapter of my newest project, Wedding Crashers! If you think Twilight is the worst thing to happen to the literary world, Copy and paste your name into your profile and add your name to this list: Dirty Reid**

**Please:**

**Tell me if you liked this chapter or not  
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**And please drop me a PM if you would like to see someone in particular crash the wedding.**

**One more thing: See my profile for details on my new 'Internecivus raptus' Challenge!**

**Next up on Wedding Crashers: Arby n' the Chief**


	2. Rumble Pit

**Wedding Crashers**

**By: Dirty Reid**

**A.N.: Thank you, my fans, for all the support and love you have shown for this fic! To show my appreciation, I put 'Alliances Across the Universe Chapter 2' on the back burner just to bring you some more mindless but well-deserved violence!**

**Again, see my profile for details about my Internecivus raptus Challenge fic!**

**Chapter 2: Rumble Pit**

**WARNING: The following literature contains liberal use of 1337 sp33k, bad grammar, and Internet memes. Viewer discretion is advised if you have not had the pleasure of watching the 'Arby n' the Chief' machinima series on YouTube.**

**One last thing: DigitalPh33r, if you ever read this… I salute you.**

* * *

The sun was shining brightly as the small throng of people milled around the entrance to the church. The wedding of Edward Cullen and Bella Swan was about to take place. Humans and vampires (and in the case of Jackoff… I mean, Jacob Black, a werewolf) mingled peacefully as a single member of both factions prepared to be joined by love for eternity.

They were so focused on enjoying the festivities that they did not notice two extremely tall persons standing in the shadow of a nearby tree.

"this is r SO GHEY!1" said the shorter one of them. The shorter one wore a black robe with green trim, a large fedora and a small symbol on one of the silver buttons that any gamer would identify as the _Marathon _logo. He shifted slightly, disturbing something distinctly metallic under his robe.

"Come on, it'll be fun! I promise!" said the taller, slightly ganglier person in a deep and slightly nasal male voice. He adjusted something on his right side, concealed by the black-with-violet-trim robe-like garment he wore. His face was hidden by the wide-brimmed fedora. He raised his arm to grasp his companion's elbow, only to reveal he had only four bony digits: Two thumbs and two fingers.

"IM NOT GOIGN 2 THER FAGY FUKCIGN WEDING" The shorter second figure objected loudly, also with a deep male voice, but not loud enough to be heard by the wedding guests. He wore a similar robe, but appeared to be weighed down by something else. The first figure was not dissuaded.

"Come on, they're sparkling vampires! Nothing that gay deserves to live, much less procreate!" he argued. The second remained still for a moment.

"wel im not goign" he added after a few seconds. "hav fun fgt" he turned and started to walk away.

"Chief, wait!" the first protested. "Don't make me go to this thing alone! I can't take them all by myself!" He grasped at 'Chief's' arm a little tighter.

"O RLY?" Chief asked, turning to his right to stare at his taller friend.

"If I were to go in there and try to take all of those vampires, I'd be swimming up Shit Creek without a bathing suit! We have to do this together. For…" The taller one paused, as though it was difficult to say what he uttered next. "… For great justice!"

It was as though the phrase 'For great justice' was a trigger sequence, for Chief went from obstinately refusing to 'attend' the wedding, to going for their mission with fanatical zeal. Chief tore away from his friend while flailing his arms about fast enough to throw him (his friend) to the ground.

"OW, shit!" he complained as part of his fedora fell back, revealing a glint of an oddly shaped silver headpiece and… four mandibles.

"FUCK YEH ARBITUR LES DO TIHS SHIT MASTUR CH33F UP IN TIHS MOTHR FUCKAR WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!11!one!eleven!" Chief ran off shouting as he headed for a side door. Oddly enough, no one noticed him or 'Arbiter' as they slunk in the side of the church.

* * *

Charlie Swan excused himself from the throng of humans and vampires to head for the restroom. He was so overcome with emotion; his baby girl had grown up and was getting married! That though threatened to leave him smiling happily for at least a month. It was a threat he wasn't about to see to.

As he entered the bathroom, Charlie immediately took notice of two strange people in the bathroom, speaking quietly. They both wore black robes of what appeared to be velvet, one with forest green trim and the other with violet. They both wore wide brimmed hats that concealed their heads and faces in shadow. The man with the green-trimmed robe was maybe half a foot shorter than the man in the violet-trimmed robe, which wasn't saying much, seeing as they were both over seven feet tall.

"Um, excuse me," Charlie eventually spoke up. The two men did not react in any way, save going silent, but they had given no inclination that they knew he was there. "The ceremony is going to start soon, so-"

"MIND UR OWN FUCKIGN BISNIS ASSHOEL" the green one said loudly. Charlie took a step back at such language and hostility.

"Hey! Best behaviour!" the purple one reprimanded his shorter companion.

"FUCK YOU" 'Green' said as he stormed out of the restroom. Charlie noted that his footsteps sounded metallic against the tiled floor.

"I'm sorry about my friend." 'Purple' apologized to Charlie. "He's not very fond of weddings and… well, he's not a very social person." He hung his head.

"That's okay, as long as you both came to celebrate this occasion, you'll be welcome Mr…?" Charlie trailed off. 'Purple' seemed to pause for a second.

"Kennedy. Leon Kennedy. My friend is Chris Redfield." 'Kennedy' introduced himself. Charlie felt a moment of doubt; he was sure he had heard those names before, but they weren't attached to these robe-wearers. It was only a thought though.

"So Mr. Kennedy, what are you and Mr. Redfield?" Charlie asked. Kennedy didn't hesitate this time.

"We're warlocks, and these robes are traditional magical wedding attire. And before you ask, removing our hats is said to bring bad luck to the bride and groom, so I'm sorry that I won't indulge you." Kennedy explained. Charlie let the information soak in before he nodded.

"Very well then, Mr. Kennedy. As I was saying, the ceremony is about to start, so you should find Mr. Redfield and take your seats." Charlie suggested.

"I will. Thank you Mr. Swan, and congratulations." Kennedy said as he moved to exit the restroom. As Charlie entered one of the stalls, he looked back, and could have sworn he saw a four-fingered hand poking out of one of Kennedy's sleeves.

* * *

"And do you, Isabella Swan, take Edward Cullen to be your lawfully wedded husband?" Mr. Weber asked, smiling at Bella, who had tears freely flowing down her face. The feeling of euphoria she was experiencing only made the faint yellow glow of the strange light cylinders that lined the altar almost excessively enhance the effect of a wonderful union. Bella could have done without the quiet humming of the cylinders, but she knew that she couldn't have everything. She wondered where Alice had gotten them, as well as the equally-glowing and humming shorter, wider, purply-blue cylinders that composed the chandelier as she tearily said "I do,"

Carlisle too was curious about them, but hadn't said anything. He turned to the audience on Edward's side, and his eyes rested upon two very large figures dressed in black robes with green and violet trim, both wearing fedoras. Having never seen people that size in his life before, Carlisle leaned over to Charlie.

"Hey Charlie," he whispered so quietly he was almost silent. Charlie turned his head minutely to indicate he was listening.

"Who are the two guys in the robes, eight rows back?" Carlisle asked. Charlie flicked his eyes over to the two robed figures.

"They're warlocks. The green one is Chris Redfield, and the violet one is Leon Kennedy. Why?" Charlie asked. He was a little taken aback when Carlisle's eyes narrowed at him.

"Are you serious?" he hissed vehemently. "Warlocks don't exist! They've been extinct for hundreds of years! And another thing; _Leon Kennedy _and _Chris Redfield_? Those are the main characters from _Resident Evil 4_ and _5_!" Carlisle finished, baring his teeth. Charlie's eyes widened.

"Are you saying that they're-" He was about to say 'saboteurs' when Mr. Weber's voice broke through his whispered conversation. That, and Emmett kicked him gently to shut him up.

"If anyone has any objections to the uniting of these two wonderful people, speak now, or forever-" he cut himself off for a second as he looked at his lines; someone had scribbled out the ending, and very sloppily written something else in its place "… Or forever be AFK?" He said in confusion. The confusion spread like a ripple, as humans and vampires (And in the case of Jackoff… I mean, Jacob Black, an extremely angry werewolf) looked at each other in confusion as Mr. Weber ended his piece.

Except for two people, under the aliases of Leon Kennedy and Chris Redfield.

"I OBJEKT" 'Redfield' exclaimed as he stood and threw off his robe. As all eyes turned to him, and the general reaction was one of complete shock.

'Redfield' was clad in a suit of faded green armour that immediately identified him not as a warlock, but as a Spartan supersoldier. And not just _any_ Spartan supersoldier, but the Master Chief himself. His helmet was vaguely egg-shaped, with two ovoid cutouts above the parietal lobes of his head. The front of his helmet was open in a vaguely inverted triangle, giving way to a black section of plating, and one rather thin visor. **(A.N.: Because I'm using Master Chief from 'Arby n' the Chief', I'm using Recon! Chief)**

"lVl0Tl-l3RF(_)CK3R" Chief finished as he hefted a dark green, over-the-shoulder weapon. He lined up his gun with one of the odd cylinders on the altar before anyone could form a reaction, and a red targeting laser began to emit from the barrel of the gun.

"IMA CHARGIN MAH LAZER" Chief stated as a light began to build at the end of the gun. "SHOOP DA WOOP!11eleven1!" he finished as a bright red beam of highly accelerated photons shot out of the end of the rifle and closed the distance to one of the cylinders instantly. Edward had grabbed Bella and had begun to leap away, but was still hit by the massive explosion as the first cylinder blew up, starting a chain reaction in the others. The vampires on the altar had begun to try and escape the massive blast, but had reacted too late, and were consumed by the flaming blast of highly unstable radioactive waste and metal shrapnel. Just as the audience began to move and/or scream in horror, a flaming piece of one of the cylinders hit the purply-blue chandelier, causing it to blow up in a spectacular yet horrifying blaze of plasma. The heat destabilized the ceiling and pieces of the church began to fall onto the gathered people.

"LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL" Chief laughed, repeatedly teabagging nothing as he stowed his laser on his back and pulled off a gun that looked to be a bulkier version of the modern day M16 assault rifle. He was raising it and about to open fire into the crowd that was not crushed when something large and heavy impacted with his back.

":O!" He exclaimed as a pair of jaws scratched his armour. Chief threw his head back in a reverse headbutt, and whatever was on his back faltered, but only for a second. It rolled him over, and Chief got a good look at what was pinning him down.

It was Jackoff… I mean, Jacob Black in his bear-sized werewolf form. He had Chief's arms pinned in such a way that the Spartan couldn't raise his gun and fill him full of lead, nor could he reach for a grenade. Jacob began to salivate as he opened his jaws and prepared to bite Chief's head off…

Only to halt as something was shoved through his neck, hissing as its two prongs cauterized his flesh. Chief looked to the side to see 'Leon Kennedy'- now free of his robe, revealing himself as the Arbiter, clad in his ornate and shining silver armour- thrusting his Energy Sword through Jacob, quickly bringing it up and neatly beheading the werewolf.

"Thx arbiter" Chief said with real gratitude as he stood up and began to spray the crowd with lead. The Arbiter nodded as he stowed his sword and pulled out a human M90 shotgun.

"Come on! Edward and Bella escaped!" He said as he slung his shotgun over his shoulder and pulled the trigger just as Jasper was about to jump him. The vampire's head exploded as the buckshot tore through his flesh.

"K" Chief said as he reloaded his rifle and began a sprint towards the door. Arbiter followed more slowly, letting loose another blast into Charlie Swan's chest, killing him quicker than he would have died from being crushed under a wooden beam.

Chief and the Arbiter stood outside the church, watching as the few remaining wedding-goers ran about in terror, peppered with the people who had seen the church explode.

"Fuck! We lost them! What the hell are we gonna do now?" Arbiter exclaimed in annoyance, stomping his hoof-like foot.

"Dun worry, i haz pl4n" Chief replied, clicking a small device, which responded with a beep. Nothing happened for a few seconds until the unmistakable rhythmic thrumming of rotor blades. Chief and the Arbiter looked up to see a pilotless helicopter slowly descending from across the rooftops. It touched down with a _clunk_ just across the sidewalk.

"A remote-controlled helicopter? Wow, that's good thinking Chief." Arbiter praised.

":D" Chief said in response as he opened one of the side panels and took the controls for the mounted machine gun. "k u flai and ill sh00t" he added. Arbiter nodded as he opened the cockpit, disengaged the autopilot function and raised them back into the air. It was only then that he noticed something scratched into the viewscreen.

It was the word 'ROFL'

"HHAHAHAH" Chief laughed. "MAI ROFLCOPTER GOAS SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI..."

* * *

"Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!" Bella babbled after she managed to inhale a decent breath. "We almost got killed by the Master Chief! The _Master Chief_!" She degenerated into an indiscernible babble again as Edward hurried their cut up and bleeding forms down the street.

"Bella, stop!" Edward snapped, growing tired of her drivel. Like a good little bitch, Bella quieted. "We need to-" Edward was cut off as several chunks of pavement were suddenly torn up in front of him, accompanied by the deafening sound of a firing minigun. He and his would-be wife looked up to see a circling helicopter and a faded green person drop from the side. No one said anything as the Master Chief landed in a self-created crater, the sunlight reflecting off his Recon helmet.

"Tiem 2 dai bitchezz." Chief spat as he unsheathed a knife on his right shoulder.

"MAI ROFLKNIEF GOEZ SLIEC SLIEC SLIEC SLIEC SLIEC LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!" Chief laughed in that weird way of his as he swung his 'Roflknief' and charged towards them.

Not one to go down without a fight, Edward whispered "Run!" to Bella before he met the Chief's charge. Bad idea. The hulking Spartan stopped him completely, even with his vampire strength, and bowled him over. Edward yelped in pain when the Chief drove his knife through his sparkling hand, pinning him to the pavement. Chief proceeded to pull something off of his belt. It was a bluish sphere with a quartet of green lights which flashed briefly before the sphere began to burn with a pale blue fire.

"eat grenade, bitch!" Chief said as he grabbed Edward's jaw with enough force to open his mouth, and shoved the burning sphere in. Chief backpedaled wildly as Edward felt the sphere growing hotter and burning his throat.

The last thing he though of before his torso was blown off in a spray of glitterfagginess was that maybe he shouldn't have ever courted Bella.

* * *

Bella huddled behind a dumpster in a nearby alley, her legs drawn up to her body. Her makeup was smeared, mixed with blood from the laser-induced explosion at the church, and the tears that flowed down her face.

She hadn't heard from Edward in several minutes. She didn't know whether that was a good thing or not, but she hoped with every fiber of her being that he hadn't been caught in that explosion she'd heard about ninety seconds ago. She quieted her choked sobs when she heard footsteps coming down the alley. She silently prayed that it was Eddie-dearest.

Her luck was not so. Bella tried to back further into the wall as the Master Chief slowly ambled up to her, twirling his bloodstained knife casually.

"THE ROFLKNIEF DEMANDZ BLOOD BELA" Chief told her. "c? lissen!1" he added. Bella waited for a second.

"'BLOOD PLZ K THX LOL'" Chief said in a higher version of his own voice, simulating that of the roflknief.

"HHAHAHHAHAHAHHAH…"

"AAAAAAAAUGH!"

* * *

Arbiter casually drummed his fingers on the helicopter's dashboard, waiting patiently for Chief to return. He hadn't participated in the attack on the wedding very much because he knew that he would have a lot more fun whipping up what Chief termed a 'roflbus' and using it to run over/gore Justin Bieber on their 'Destruction of all Things Shitty' Tour.

The side door of the chopper opened, and Chief climbed in, still flicking his knife to clean it of the blood.

"Did you get them both?" Arbiter asked.

"ya" Chief answered. "But tihs is srsly the gheyest bl00d evar. It wun cum off! Fukcign ghey a$$ sp4rkly vampir3s!" Chief complained. Arbiter shook his head slightly.

"Don't worry, you can wash it off when we get back to base and start building the roflbus." He assured. Chief seemed heartened by this.

"kk, lets go" Chief said. Arbiter nodded and started up the helicopter. As they took off into the cloudy sky, leaving the smoking church, screaming pedestrians and law enforcement sirens behind, Chief made one last quip:

"Brace urself: its about to get a whoel lot CH33FIER in Hollyw00d!"

* * *

**And there we go! Chapter 2 of Wedding Crashers! Plz:**

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**Until next time,**

**Dirty Reid**


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